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I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.

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A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.

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I swear to drunk I'm not god.

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I need a six month holiday, twice a year.

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.

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How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes

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Right things happen at the wrong time if you wait for them to happen.

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When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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You'll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

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Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.

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Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.

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Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'