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Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.

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To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!

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Sleep, hugs, kisses, love, friends, family, memories, smiles, laughter, fun... the best things in life are free.

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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.

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Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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It's better to be the owner of your silence than the slave of your words.

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There's no such thing as good girls gone bad, only bad girls found out.

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Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.

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We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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True friends aren't bought, they are earned.