Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
Haters make you famous.
When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.
When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.
Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.
Love needs to get glasses.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.
We put the "us" in trust, baby.
Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I most need it.
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.
Everybody spread positivity.
