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You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.

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Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.

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Cool story bro. Needs more dragons.

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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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The smile is every woman's sexiest curve.

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When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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Don't like me? Take a seat with the rest of the bitches waiting for me to give a fuck

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We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.

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Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a spider web you suddenly become a ninja?

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If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?

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The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.

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You got enemies, good that means you stood up for something.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

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If it put a smile on my face, there is no reason to regret.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.