Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Wherever you go, there you are.
True friends stab you in the front!
When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.
You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.
I am not good at giving advice, but can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
That sad moment when you find an old conversation between you and someone you don't talk to anymore.
Shit happens bro. Now get over it.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.
When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.
I'm not spoiled, I'm just well taken care of.
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