Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard
The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)
I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
We just have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in our hearts....even if they don't stay in our lives.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you weaker and weaker until it eventually kills you.
Don't tell me the rules if you can't even play the game.
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