I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.
Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
You can spend your life avoiding your dreams, but everynight you go to sleep.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
You cannot fathom the amount of fuck I do not give.
It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.
Don't tell me the rules if you can't even play the game.
Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
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