Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.
The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
Haters hate because they are what you ain't.
I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.
The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
Perception is everything.
Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge, trust me, it hurts less.
Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.
Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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