You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.
Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."
Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.
When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!
There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.
Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.
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