If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
You live and you learn.
Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.
Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Love me always, love me never, but don't love me sometimes.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...
Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.
Haters hate because they are what you ain't.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
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