Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.
The notion that you feel my pain is extremely uncertain. You have to apply the experience and pain of my life in order to come to this road.
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.
Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.
In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
Believe in yourself. If you don't, then no one else will have a reason to.
You're only as good as your last game.
If they dont chase you when you walk away....keep walking.
Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.
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