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If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.

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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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Everything will be alright in the end, if its not alright, its not the end.

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Be man enough to accept the consequences, be child enough to do it anyway.

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If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.

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The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

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Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right man to see it.

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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

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Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.

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Life isn't about staying dry, it's about learning how to play in the rain.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.

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Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.

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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?