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The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

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The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you're middle finger HIGHER.

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I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.

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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.

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You got enemies, good that means you stood up for something.

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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

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I will love you until the end. If you feel that I don't love you, this is just the beginning.

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You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."