Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
If you're good at something, don't do it for free.
Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?
Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
So you're the bitch that told the bitch that I'm a bitch well listen bitch it takes a bitch to know a bitch, bitch.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
WORRY looks around. REGRET looks back. FAITH looks forward.
Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.
Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.
