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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

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When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?

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If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

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Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

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I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.

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Roses are red. Violets are blue! Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.

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A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!