If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes
Roses are red. Violets are blue! Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
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