I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.
Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.
Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.
Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
Man: created by God, destroyed by a women.
Playing comes first, you can work later.
If you can't be a good example then at least be a horrible warning.
Gravity is not the reason why people fall in love.
Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
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