I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.
I need a six month holiday, twice a year.
"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?
The word 'studying' was made up of two words originally - 'students dying'.
When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.
My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.
Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
You do not learn anything by doing everything right.
Once upon a time, there was a boy and girl who loved each other. Then a slut came and ruined everything. The end.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
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