You look at them. They look at you. You look away. Awkward.
Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.
I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.
Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.
Trust in God but lock your car.
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.
I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
The word 'studying' was made up of two words originally - 'students dying'.
If you can't beat them, taze them.
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