A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
I put the laughter in manslaughter.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
You can spend your life avoiding your dreams, but everynight you go to sleep.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
Short answers silent treatment not smiling = You did something wrong.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.
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