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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.

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Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too, bitch.

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I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

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Boobs. That's all, just like this if you like boobs.

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Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.

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I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.

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We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.