I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.
Its the scars that can't be seen that take the longest to heal.
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.
You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
If your not going to win the argument, lie.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Never count on tomorrow because it may forget to show up.
Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.
A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.
Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
Winners do what other people won't.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
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