My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.
Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.
Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
You can hold on to a person but not a relationship.
Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.
Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.
If your not going to win the argument, lie.
The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.
The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
You don't have to understand to be understanding.
Wherever you go, there you are.
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