I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.
If you're lucky enough to be different, never change.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Just because your smart doesn't mean your wise.
If you can't beat them, taze them.
Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.
A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
You know you love her when people think you're crazy.
How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.
Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.
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