I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.
When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.
I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.
Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.
Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?
You look at them. They look at you. You look away. Awkward.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.
You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
I would love you if love meant the complete opposite of what it means today.
The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.
Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.
Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.
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