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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

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You can hold on to a person but not a relationship.

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Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.

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Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.

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If your not going to win the argument, lie.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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You don't have to understand to be understanding.

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Wherever you go, there you are.