Fight poverty. Throw stones at beggers.
Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
I really need you to, put the camera down and step away from the mirror.
You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.
When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
Boobs. That's all, just like this if you like boobs.
.sdrawkcab siht daer uoy edam I
Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
Trust in God but lock your car.
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