That sad moment when you find an old conversation between you and someone you don't talk to anymore.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
Just because your smart doesn't mean your wise.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?
Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.
Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.
When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.
Trust in God but lock your car.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.