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God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....

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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

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I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.

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Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.

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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

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KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you're middle finger HIGHER.

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The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.

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Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.

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Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.

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Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.

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Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

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I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.

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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

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No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.