When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.
You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?
Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.
11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.
Take it easy, give it hard.
When I'm always in my room; parents complain. When I go out; parents complain.
Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you weaker and weaker until it eventually kills you.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
Make money, don't let it make you.
When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.
I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.
Love needs to get glasses.
I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.
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