I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.
I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.
I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Don't like me? Take a seat with the rest of the bitches waiting for me to give a fuck
This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.
The sacrifice of hiding in the light is living with your shadows.
I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
You look at them. They look at you. You look away. Awkward.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
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