When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.
If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
You live and you learn.
If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?
The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.
A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.
I swear to drunk I'm not god.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.
Whenever I use "Thus" in a essay, I feel like motherfucking Shakespeare.
Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.
I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.
Born to be different, like everyone else.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
Who you are, who you want to be, and who you once were can be three different people.
Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.